From The Desk Of Craig Dennis Rich

These are edited selections from some of the e-mail my dad sends me.  He is far funnier than me, far wittier than I am, and never ceases to amaze me.  If any of his writing skill ever rubs off on me, I will thank my lucky stars. 

From: Craig Rich
To: Austin Rich (austin@rackmØunt.org)
Subject: RE: A.C.R.O.N.Y.M. News Update
Date: Friday, January 25, 2ØØ2 6:ØØ PM

How about the Enron fiasco?  It was fun to joke about but now that one of them killed himself it isn't any fun anymore.  It is just a big mess and even though he had $35 million it wasn't enough to clear his conscience.  Maybe it's true that money can't buy happiness, but it sure can buy a bunch of misery.

From: Craig Rich
To: Austin Rich (austin@rackmØunt.org)
Subject: I really do exist
Date: Sat, 14 Jul 2ØØ1 18:16:31 -Ø7ØØ

Man am I sorry for taking so long to finally getting around to responding to your last email.  I must have some kind of mental block where I think I have to do actual real writing for you since you seem like a real writer to me and just a regular old 'letter' won't do.  But of course that makes me a big buthole when you are sittin' there waiting for my reply and thinking all the worst when I don't.

Well, please be assured that there is no forethought in my aftermath, I mean my assholedness is always absent malice, yeah that's it: I'm, an accidental asshole.  So you see, it has nothing to do with you.  Anyway I have included some stuff that I hope you are willing to post up on your site.  Like I said every time I think to write to you I feel I must include some of my original stuff and it is a good opportunity for me to try to recapture some of my best writing from my lost youth.  The youth wasn't lost, just the writings.

I was trying to remember some of the songs that I wrote long ago and lost in the fire.  Each of the paragraphs below was once a full blown song with music, lyrics (chorus and all) and most even had bridges or refrains.  But now I can only recall the heart of each one you see here and I know there were others that I can't even remember the titles, only the feeling.

If you shoot for the stars
but only make it half way,
you're still outa this world.

Heaven owes me a dollar or two
Heaven knows me but the devil does too
Heaven owes me a world free of strife
Heaven knows me but I'm a stranger to life

I'm a Frisbee give me a toss
I'm good for a spin I won't try to be boss
I'm a Frisbee send me on my way
grab me real tight then throw me away

It's Friday again I got the whole weekend
to lay in bed and wreck my head
and let the world know that I can't be had

I think too much.  I think too much of you.
I think I think too much, what am I gonna' do?

If you've ever been friends with a tree
Then I think you already know
It's never the tree that leaves
It's always you that has to go

Coffee is just for rent
A penny earned is a penny spent
And all your troubles are heaven sent
Remember: don't piss in the wind
You may think you know it all
But all I know is this
When mother nature calls
Buddy you ain't shit.

Why don't you shut up and eat
All you health food freaks
You're all dead on your feet
so skinny and bleak
Why don't you shut up and eat
You won't eat no bleached white bread
Oh no, it's got to be whole wheat
Can't eat no bacon or tuna or any kind of meat
Can't handle sacharine even sugar's too sweet:
Aw shut up and eat.

I'm a track man sure and there ain't no cure
I got curve grease in my veins.
I can't stay away so I go every day
with sore knees and kuckles and lower back pains
I always likes to drive some spikes
My arms measure perfect gauge
There's plenty of dough but somehow I know
I'll never die of old age

Just got back from goon island
In the realm of the jealous men
Where they live in fear of the bitter pill
And the green eyed monster roams at will
Goon island is oh so creepy
Popeye's lost, he can't find Swea'pea
Olive Oil in the arms of Bluto
Gonna' chop him up with a little judo

***************************

Don't be surprised if I write back later with more additions to be added above as I recall more and more lines from the missing pieces.  I am also working on a little piece called Blue Lake Soufle which I will forward upon completion.  Once again please accept my apologies for not writing sooner.  I promise to do better.

Love DAD

cdr

From: Craig Rich
To: Austin Rich (austin@rackmØunt.org)
Subject: My butt, time does fly...
Date: Fri, 16 Mar 2ØØ1 15:24:56 -Ø8ØØ

My big beef this week is with all those dead cows and pigs over in Europe.  What a holocaust!  I guess I must be a little below normal in my tolerance because I am shocked at such gruesome carnage, but everyone else keeps right on eating their dinner while the news shows fork lifts hoisting boxcar loads of dead animals on to the bonfire.  I can't believe there isn't any other way to handle the problem other than mass executions like that.  Haven't we made any headway in the animal medicine area  since the last time this happened?  Now we will probably have hamburger blackouts! 

I am also mad about the economy.  Those same people keep right on eating their dinner like nothing ever happened while the same newscast shows the economic carnage around the world.  Seems like most stocks are going to end up on the same heap with those cows.  I am immune to both contagions since I have an iron clad stomach that can easily digest any rotten meat and my bank account is so barren there is no chance of any infection growing there either.  In these hard times, maybe it pays to be poor.

cdr

From: Craig Rich
To: Austin Rich (austin@rackmØunt.org)
Subject: Friday- Haleluyeah!
Date: Fri, 3Ø Mar 2ØØ1 16:27:56 -Ø8ØØ

There is a line from the movie Airplane where Lloyd Bridges is the bedraggled air traffic controller trying to help the plane land in a crisis and he keeps saying: “I shouldn't have picked this week to quit smoking!”  That is pretty much the way I felt especially last monday when I show up for work and find out there has been a %13 layoff. 

Our first week of not smoking and so far there have no serious injuries.  Some mild bruising and a persistent rash....Not really. Seriously it has not been as bad as we imagined.  Kinda like the Superbowl where all the hype can never be lived up to.  We were so sure there would be trouble that we are surprised at our success.  Of course it hasn't been a piece of cake either.  But we have made it one full week without so much as one little butt.

The gum has been the biggest help.  It leaves such a terrible taste in your mouth that a cigarette would not be enjoyable.  Neither is drinking or eating or anything else for that matter.  The gum tastes so bad that when the time comes it should be easy to give up.  So we are pretty proud of ourselves keeping this promise and after a whole week there is no way we are going to ruin the one perfect record we have in our lives.  Besides it should be easy to accomplish something through in-action; we don't have to do anything we just have to NOT do something.

We will finally be true ex-smokers when we stop talking about it.

cdr

From: Craig Rich
To: Austin Rich (austin@rackmØunt.org)
Subject: Another darned Friday
Date: Fri, 6 Apr 2ØØ1 16:37:51 -Ø7ØØ

Another week gone by and we still haven't smoked a cigarette yet.  It is a big deal for us as we are gradually getting more and more used to being ex-smokers, but it ain't easy especially when the kids are causing pressure. 

It's not really that bad, I saw some cigarettes in the store the other day and it was just like running into an old friend from high school; we still get along alright but we don't get together anymore.  We had a lot of good times but now we have moved on to different circles.

I remember how much fun it was to light up a cigarette, but it was never any fun putting them out.  I don't miss that.  It was always fun to open a pack, but it was such a drag to have to throw the pack away when it got empty.  Inhaling was such great fun but towards the end I never knew where to blow the smoke without offending someone, even myself at times.  I even enjoyed flicking the ashes, but never had much appreciation for them after they landed.  So even though I still have the urge to smoke a cigarette, I have conditioned myself to refuse.  I always was pretty easily swayed, gullible if you will.

Craig Rich
System Administrator

If you would like to contact my dad, feel free to send a message to me and I'll forward it to him.  He asked me not to show his e-mail address, and I respect that.

Send all Correspondence of any kind to austin@rackmØunt.org.