Intel
Supposed to be written with an initial lower case eye: ie- “intel”. I don't know why but if they must insist it looks better to me like this: iNTEL They are kinda' weird. How weird are they? Well let me just elaborate a little...
First there are the badges. These are worn around the neck and must be visible in your midsection at all times. Nobody ever looks you in the eye, they are only looking at your badge. There are two kinds of badges; Green for the temps and Blue for the royal, I mean real employees. The starbelly sneeches VRS those who had none.
The best example of the aristocracy is in the plush Fitness Center. The enticing music and atmosphere stand out in blatant contrast to the clinical environment that prevails but on the door is a clear signal that entrance is excluded to “Blue Badges Only!”. Now I can take it right up to the end of that sentence but the exclamation point just digs in like a knife. All right already, I get the message!!!
Another thing is that iNTEL enjoys the actual monopoly that people accuse Microsoft of abusing. The clout that iNTEL wields makes Microsoft's good luck look like a comical.co-incidence. And the government is doing the cowardly lion routine on Toto since he'd rather not face the real threat.
But where else you can find anything even close to the combination of skillsets and unique work environments. There are hard hats installing monstrous machines alongside nerdy geeks programming the controllers.
The building is like a miniature self-contained city. The cafeteria rivals any food court in the biggest malls around for both cuisine and acreage. Production continues on a 24hour seven day week where they measure downtime to the same extreme granularity as their paranoia over the tiniest airborne particles in the clean room.
Security is the highest of any FAB (factory) since we are developing the next generation chip which hasn't even been named yet let alone announced to the public. Highly top secret and it shows in the number and tenacity of security guards.
piss test
So I thought I would be writing to say “Whoopie!” I got a job at Intel but alas it looks like it is not to be since there was a problem with my urinalysis and they made me take a second one three days after I had already started working there. In those three days I have already been completely absorbed into the infrastructure and it will be a painful departure. If the first drug test was bad I suppose this second one will be too even though I have taken GREAT pains to produce the prettiest possible sample.
Ahhh, how I recall the good ole days of RailRoad piss testing where the cutoff line for marijuana was a hefty 1ØØ nanograms per milliliter and all you had to do was drink a gallon of water and you were guaranteed to pass. I know this works from personal experience not only from 17 years working on the RailRoad but also from many months of mandatory random testing while on probation from the State of Oregon.
But apparently the testing now days goes clear down to 1Ø ng/ml and that can go back as far as 1ØØ days ago. I can just imagine my exit interview:
“When was the last time you smoked pot?”
“I can't even remember what I had for lunch.”
“When was the last time you smoked pot!?”
“All I remember is one of my NINE children was very sick but I can't remember what year it was.”
Anyway it is all quite ridiculous. I am ashamed and embarrassed but what the hell, it was only a temporary 3 month job and not only that there is this one room that makes everyone break out sneezing and coughing as soon as they go in and then the symptoms immediately stop as soon as you step out. I have always prided myself on breathing clearly through my nose while all those around me suffer from various allergies. Nothing has ever effected me like Room SRC113.
This particular room is where I spend half my work time installing Station Controllers in the basement underneath the clean room where they build the Pentium chips. The other half of my job is up in the clean room working on the other end of the Station Controller which you would think would be called the Station but is actually known as the Tool.
There are many constantly changing tools because they are migrating to smaller and smaller chip sizes and it is truly a dream place to work but I guess my piss isn't up to snuff. Oh if only they would judge me by the content of my character instead of my bladder. I can still go to one of the many other jobs I have been offered and sooner or later I will finally pass one of these drug tests since I have in fact quit since all this mess started.
Whatever you do: DON'T worry about us. We still got money in the bank from my last severance pay and the future looks bright. Everybody at Intel really loves me and in just three short days they have entrusted me and another brand new guy to work alone. Oh yeah, no wonder nobody wants to go in room 113...
So it has been a great experience and I made enough money to justify the unemployment I will lose. I figure they will wait until Friday when they have to sign my time card and then they will tell not to come back. I don't know why they don't figure all this out before a person actually starts but then again maybe it is yet another layer in their selection process just like the 3 month trial period where we each get to decide if we want each other. Because I'm tellin' you I can't keep goin' in that one room without breathing equipment.
And another thing: Back in the RailRoad piss testing days there was no strike two, try again. Why are they giving me a second chance? If I'm guilty then- Off with my head, and if I'm not then just how many cups will I have to fill with my heard earned outcome before they finally pass judgement on me?
And even yet one more -another thing I would like to know is what the hell do they expect from a Unix administrator anyway, when anyone who has ever seen Dilbert knows that the stereotype Unix admin is a Jerry Garcia lookin' deadhead anyway.
protest
46 year old white male laid off from high tech job posts his resume on the internet and is immediately offered a 3 month contract position for $3Ø/hr at leading chip manufacturer, sight unseen, after only one phone interview through third party temp agency.
With less than a week to prepare he uses Vales supplement to clean his system but three days AFTER starting work he is told the urinalysis drug test was “Inaccurate”. Please submit a second sample. After consuming more than $1ØØ worth of over the counter cleansers, half a gallon of water, half a gallon of cranberry juice and two pounds of grapes the second sample also showed up as inconclusive. This concoction was recommended on a web page pointed out by the third party temp agency.
“How many cups must I fill with my hard earned outcome before they will finally pass judgement on me?” he bemoans. Some of the moaning was actually from the cocktail previously mentioned. If he is guilty then make him walk the plank and if he isn't then why go through all of this?
Meanwhile he is well entrenched at work and well liked by all. He is clearly more skilled than the average temp and instead of being threatened by his superior knowledge they are grateful to finally have competent help. What the hell do they expect from a Unix administrator anyway, when anyone who has ever seen Dilbert knows that the stereotype Unix admin is a Jerry Garcia lookin' deadhead anyway.
Why can't they judge a man by the content of his character rather than the content of his bladder? I recall the good ole days of RailRoad piss testing where the cutoff line for marijuana was a hefty 1ØØ nanograms per milliliter and all you had to do was drink a gallon of water and you were guaranteed to pass. I know this works from personal experience not only from 17 years working on the RailRoad but also from many months of mandatory random testing while on probation from the State of Oregon.
Back in those days there was no second chance, only pass or fail. I think there is a great big money making scam going on where people are guided through how to pass.
The bottom line as I see it is this: Admit nothing and keep on pissing until they finally realize it is a big waste of everyone's good efforts.
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