Sniper-Ku For You

By far the most prolific of our writers, “Angry Man” Josh enjoys reading poetry in a open glen, quite mornings in his spacious Portland home, knitting, and cleaning his gun while on Public Transit.

for one shot one kill
you've got to be a sniper
harder than john shaft

old r. lee ermey
should not have trained private pyle
to love his rifle

oswald was a fag
only killed the president
I served at kent state

acquire my target
breath in hold squeeze the trigger
one thousand yard stare

perfect meld of flesh
this is my rifle of steel
I am one with death

rifle like hot cock
spraying my manly death juice
chest wound orifice

I am an angel
Valkyrie praying for you
you're in my cross hairs

today I killed you
with a head shot from one klick
a day in the life

oh, Mr. Rogers
live in land of make believe
killed so many men

who needs full auto
when from one klick I can kill
and not break a sweat

you'll never see me
for I am a death angel
or just a sniper

five point five six mil.
hollow point round in your chest
fist sized exit wound

modern day ninja
stealth, silence, and sudden death
you don't stand a chance

karaoke bar
don't need a god damn bouncer
need a damn sniper

one shot two shot three
knock 'em over like nine pins
bowling for head shots

copper jacket round
with enough velocity
can kill two people

back and to the left
Zapruder's film shows my kill
from my grassy knoll

eighteen holes in golf
eighteen holes in ten folks
missed a few kill shots

in the Ford Theater
John Wilkes Booth had a cake walk
try killing at range

from 1000 feet
I can turn your head into
a thin wet red mist

you are gonna die
I have the gun already
executive yes

love the sniper-ku
worship the sniper haiku
laugh into death's face

Kate M

Short Biographies are overrated.

[Firefly]

Jayne Cobb got knocked out,
but shot you in the kneecap.
He'd aimed for your head.

[Anyone But Bush '04]

Our windows look out
over the Benson hotel.
Do not shoot Kerry.

[Inept]

Mercenary guy
Forgot to switch off 'safety'
and missed his best shot.

[Whoops!]

Your brains all came out!
But my gun is at my side.
How did that happen?

[Droogicide]

Your red, red krovvy.
I watched it through the crosshairs,
splashing into dirt.

[Only Outlaws Have Guns]

I shoot pacifists
because they get on my nerves:
anti-handgun laws.

[Untitled]

Happy Birthday from
the Planet Motherfucker –
you tiny target.

kungfuramone

“Ultra Meter In The Middle Of The Paper / 3 AM And Building A Structure / I've Got Somebody's Pen Gripped Tight / Sniper-Ku 750 Rock 'n' Roll!”

horny as all hell
ugly as a rhino's ass
rifle still loves me

i'm an atheist
but i still say kill em' all...
let worms sort 'em out

down with that atkins!
skinny people are too quick
the fat ones can't dodge

here's my paradise:
target rich environment
a beer and ammo

eleven o'clock
there goes my boss at lunch hour
i squeeze the trigger

you're wrong about me
the marines made me MORE calm
now DIE you pinko!

here i am aiming
in the belltower downtown
i gots a boner

Bag of guts and blood
Shoot off the top and voila!
It shuts up at last

Not misanthropic
Not maladjusted either
Just armed and playful

Austin Rich

As the Webmaster of the page that hosts “Sniper-ku”, Austin is allowed to only write a handful of Sniper-Kus... only because his are better! (Burn!)

I've got a big gun
don't you look at me today
a new hole for you

clock tower for me
means happiness at long last;
corpses bring delight!

crowded places rule
everyone's unaware
perfect sniping area

a gentle breeze blows
calm washes over my soul
head snap. o, such bliss

do the math people:
my gun, your head, and your death
this isn't science

waiting in this tree
camouflaged, one story up
smiling, gun in hand

Kelly Raine

Blessed at birth with superhuman abilities well beyond the comprehension of normal humans, Kelly Raine assumes the normal appearance of an everyday body builder brain surgeon rocket scientist rockstar. He has also donated every single vital organ he has to the needy.

bullet through the head
one in the groin just for fun
this is a great job

shot you in the face
your bodyguards are dead too
money in the bank

your bullet proof vest
and suv do nothing
to protect yo' ass

Lead in your skull, bitch
Your ass: Mine motherfucker
from six hundred yards

Got you in my scope
big boner in my pants
I bust a nut. Die.

kiisu d'salyss

An avid humanitarian, Mr. d'salyss has offered to donate all the proceeds from his portion of the profits to hospitals & children's centers nationwide.

back and to the left
Kennedy is a dead president
motorcade slow down

cross hairs trained on you
brains splatter like thick wet soup
bloody red drips goo

your corpse is still warm
steam rising from the head wound
ha! you dead, sucka!

my bullet like poop
you are the soiled diaper
bloody shit is best

Myron Kingsbury

bullets will start wars
when placed in the heads of states
world war won my heart

gentle whispers ring
bolt action bullet shells ping
love is an odd thing

Pop click click ker-pap.
That's the sound of my, pow!
Motherfuckin' gat.

Jeff Baldus

Three word for you white belt wearin to cool to talk to me assholes: “What is hip”?

I shot your hip ass
you shit your fuckin white pants
you die in the street

Josh Roeder

A super hero by day and a fantastic lay by night, Josh spends his time studying to one day destroy the minds of the children of tomorrow.

fucked your little sis
shot your brother for the mob
made love to your corpse.

Sniper-Ku Blog Entries: A History

Sniper-Ku started out as something I ran in my Blog for a while. Of course, it very quickly ballooned out into something else entirely, and it seemed only reasonable that, after it reached a certain size, to give it it's own page. A big shout-out to my buddy kungfuramone is in order, as he is sort of the local master of the haiku format, as has been proved by the numerous ones he busts out on a regular basis, much to our amusement. He was sort of the inspiration for Sniper-Ku in the first place. If you are interested in writing Sniper-Ku, feel free to forward any submissions to me, and I'll be happy to let you know if you make the cut. Send all submissions to the following address: austin@rackmØunt.org.

Date: Sunday, February 15th, 2004. 08:56 A.M.
Music: More Weezer

...on a side note, kiisu and I decided to write sniper haiku's, inspired by the horrible Karaoke songs that people were singing / dancing too (all weird club-type stuff from the early '90's). It was all sorts of bad. So we decided that sniper haiku's were the only way we could save our sanity. Remember kids: We ate lots of acid, and now we VOTE!

Date: Monday, February 16th, 2004. 07:26 A.M.
Music: Pink Floyd – Piper At The Gates Of Dawn

Well, my Sniper-kus were a huge success with my friend “Angry Man” Josh, who managed to bust out with quite of few of them in response to my paltry 2. If I get many more submissions, I may make this it's own section of the site. So, for your continued entertainment, we'll take a break from the regularly scheduled program of my personal insights involving dating and bring you this pointless violence in poem-form.

All of the above Sniper-kus were by “Angry Man” Josh. I had nothing to do with their composition. I'm merely relaying the haiku goodness in website form. As he does not have e-mail, you are more than welcome to send me any comments you might have for him and I will pass them along. If you have any Sniper-kus you'd like to see posted in this pace, send them my way. I'm always looking for crap to post on my website, especially if I don't have to write it myself. Here's the e-mail address (not that you wouldn't already know it if you know about this site, but whatever): austin@rackmØunt.org.

Date: Tuesday, February 17th, 2004. 08:15 A.M.
Music: Piglet – Not Ralphing At Your First Keg Party + An Unnamed Demo Tape

Apparently, the Sniper-kus are pretty popular amongst 18 to 35 year old white male Americans based on a recent Pacific Northwest study conducted by the Askum, Whi & Howe Firm of statistical reporting. 73% of those questioned found them to be “very inspiring” when trying to find reasons to get out of bed in the morning, and a paltry 11% said that they felt “slightly queasy” when they thought about them after sex. 8% felt that, like so many other things in our lives, the “application of cheese and salsa” could have made them better. 5% felt that the “didn't want to think about” salsa & cheese after sniping anyway, and only 3% admitted to either being a sniper, or without Inter-Web access, and therefore could not read them. Congratulations to everyone involved!

I like those numbers, statistically speaking. If I'm reading them correctly, that means we've really had a breakthrough in Haiku-technology that causes people to like Sniper-kus better than regular ones. However, I think we need to invest in more research on the off chance that there could be some regional bloating in the data. Clearly there are more snipers in the Northwest than these numbers allow for, and this kind of sell-through on the target market seems a bit low if that's the case. But then again, this kind of information takes a while to level out, and is really only worth interpreting if you have samplings from ALL the markets over a period of time. The truth is, three days just isn't long enough.

Regardless, here are a few more Sniper-kus by my buddy kungfuramone, who if you didn't already know, is sort of an ex-spurt when it comes to haiku's anyway. His site is chock-full of ninja and non-ninja related haiku, and he can bust 'em out a little faster than most can. Such is his way.

I think my favorite is #2.

Date: Saturday, February 21st, 2004. 09:28 A.M.
Music: Sounds Of The Sinkhole (Vols. 1 – 3) (CDs I made of my friend Shane's Old Radio Show)

It seems that two things go together better than lube and butt-sex: karaoke and sniper-kus! As usual, “Angry Man” Josh busted out with a metric fuck-ton of new ones, and I have a couple here by kiisu again, too.

I have officially decided that, when I have the time, I will make a separate section of the site dedication to sniper-kus, so again, if you are interested, I am accepting submissions. Remember kids: 5 – 7 – 5! Their calming, meditative format can even relax a man in a tree forced to gun down entire villages from 100 yards away.

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